Moment of realization...

Tonight I had to take a carseat class to learn how to properly install the base and position Brant in it. There were 4 other mom's there. We all had to go around the room and say how far along we were when we delivered and how long we've been in the NICU. I got a little frustrated hearing all 4 other mom's say around 35 weeks and that they've only been there 10-12 days and that they are getting ready to go home already and in the same steps of the process as Brant. They were all talking with each other about their experience while the nurse teaching the class was re-working Brant's carseat (some of the straps were assembled backwards by the manufacturer) I felt like saying to them that they haven't been through anything yet! He'll have been in NICU 9 weeks as of tomorrow, me in the hospital 10 weeks as of today. That was my moment of weakness- all of us in the NICU, no matter how long you've been there, know how exhausting and hard it is.

I need to keep in mind that it's their story- I would feel the same way if that was Brant and not being able to take him for 2 weeks too. It really made me realize just how bad off he really was in the beginning. Yes he's done great once he got past his first few days of life but it really hit me tonight how sick he really is. Their babies started off on the nasal cannula and feeding tube. Brant started on the oscillating ventilator- which I made the mistake of reading up on and they don't put babies on that unless they HAVE to. I feel like I've handled myself pretty well through this whole process. For the most part I've stayed strong. Yes I've had my breakdowns but I think in the beginning I was totally numb to everything. I don't think I realized how bad things really were. I mean I knew it was serious but it's like I shut everything out that could go wrong and had this calmness about everything; like I KNEW he was going to be okay and that we have to jump through all the proper hoops first. And really, nothing has gone "wrong" and we haven't had any set-backs other than his initial lung collapse and 2 chest tubes. Now that I've said that let's pray nothing goes wrong from here on out!

I need to not compare our story to other's- every baby is different. There are families that have gone through MUCH MUCH worse than us and I'm sure if they heard me complaining about how long we've been here and what we've gone through they would have similar feelings I had. The NICU is completely full right now- I haven't walked the other hall in quite a while but in our hall every room is filled and I feel SO bad for all the mom's that are just starting out; especially for the mom's with twins in there. There are a couple sets of twins and I couldn't imagine having two babies to worry about and each having their own set of problems.... I don't think I would be able to handle that.

Well with all of this said I just want to thank everyone for all their prayers. I feel like God has definitely kept watch over Brant and our family. Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart! And please don't just pray for Brant- pray for all the babies in the NICU and their families... there are a LOT of babies that need prayers right now.